A Decision Not to Love

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What is the difference between oneness and love? Me and Dannie Rio were talking yesterday about love and oneness in marriage. A book we are reading said that a woman’s essence sets the standard for oneness. We were quite sure how to take that. At first I was a little offended. I thought why should the woman be the one who sets the standard for my marriage. Immediately after vocalizing this frustration to Dannie, I realized it. The very reason women set this standard is seen in my frustration with it. There is something rebellious in man that wants to be the one to be independent. We want to take care of things on our own and when we have to depend on someone else, or open up to someone else, we resist. By being frustrated with the fact that it is probably true about her essence, I illustrate how this standard is something more difficult for me to achieve than her.
This doesnt mean that either one of us loves the other more or less. Oneness and love are two totally separate ideas. I have counseled many divorcing couples who say, “I still love him.” Is this true. I think it probably is, but they certainly do not have oneness. I have decided not to strive to love Krista anymore. I want to be one with her. I think love is a component necessary for oneness and by settling for love, I may not have anything different than the divorcing couple I see each week.


About joshkellar

I'm married to an incredible woman of God and have two daughters that love to laugh and delight in the Lord. My goal in life is to bring others into closer relationship with God by engaging them in His story as we journey together in a faith-filled community. The basis for every decision I make in life comes back to my calling to share the love of God with those around me. My hope is that at every opportunity I will encourage others into a greater lifelong journey of discipleship.

Posted on March 4, 2006, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. “Decision not to love” might be a rather extreme way of putting it, Josh. Think of Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” as well as the following verses. To love anyone as Christ loved the church is something that we come upon not by accident, or on the way to something else, but by striving for it in God’s Spirit all our lives.You are right to emphasize oneness, though. Indeed, the verses following Eph. 5:25 make it obvious that the difference between the way Christ loves the church and the way people tend to love each other is the oneness that Christ sought, and has, with us. Because we are His body, it is natural for Him to care for us the way He does.All things said, I think we are coming to the same conclusion with two different sets of words. You call it “oneness” while I call it “Christ-like love.”

  2. Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it makes complete sense. Good to hear from you Josh.

  3. Great post. I am actually in the midst of getting to know someone better (someone we both know). Even when I try to let her know that I want to be a blessing to her no matter where this may go – there is that part of me (whether it is because I am a guy, or whether it is something I have learned from my past) that ever so slightly tries to control even a way out for her if she needs one.I have spent much time in prayer, really trying to submit myself to God in trusting Him and her, and truly allow transformation to take place. It is not an easy thing to place one’s self completely into the hands of another – but this is what I know needs to take place and want to take place…thanks again…

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